Royal Drama Unfolds: Fergie, Andrew, and Legal Threats

ROYAL ROMPS, BAT BATTLES, AND HANNIBAL-ESQUE MURMURS

The Yorks are once again making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Andrew Lownie's scathing book about the royal family has left Prince Andrew feeling utterly immune to criticism, but it's his ex-wife Fergie who's been left reeling in despair. Insiders close to the Duchess of York claim she was "distraught" by the book's contents and considered taking drastic measures – including a high-profile Newsnight interview or even suing the author for libel. However, her daughters talked her out of it, leaving Fergie to pick up the pieces.

But don't worry, Fergie – you're still welcome in the palace! Since Prince Philip's passing in 2021, she's been slowly welcomed back into the family fold, and recent visits to Balmoral with Andrew and their daughters suggest that all is forgiven. In fact, our source whispers that the King has taken quite a shine to Fergie – perhaps because she's a mother of princesses and therefore commands a certain level of respect? Whatever the reason, it seems Fergie's been given a royal reprieve.

Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth II might have approved of Rachel Reeves' recent decision to downplay the rights of bats. Insiders reveal that Her Majesty was notorious for waging war on these winged creatures during her summer holidays at Balmoral, armed with butterfly nets and a team of volunteer flunkeys. However, the Queen's efforts were ultimately futile – those pesky pipistrelles would always find their way back to their roosts in the rafters! But don't worry, our new monarch is taking a more relaxed approach; he's even taken to leaving them alone, possibly because he's convinced one or two might be distant relatives? After all, as he's proud to boast, his ancestry stretches back to none other than Count Dracula himself.

In related news, actor Brian Cox is still basking in the glory of his iconic portrayal of Hannibal Lecter. He recently took aim at Sir Anthony Hopkins' Oscar-winning performance in The Silence of the Lambs, insisting that his own 1990s version in Manhunter was the definitive take on the character. "I think I'm the best Hannibal Lecter there ever was," he boasted, adding cheekily: "I play it internally – no need for fancy Chianti s**t."

But what about That Mitchell and Webb Look's triumphant return to Channel 4? David Mitchell is still pinching himself after being told that his beloved show would be axed – only to have it revived in a stunning U-turn. In an interview, he recalled the moment when BBC commissioning editor Cheryl Taylor informed him of the plans: "She talked for about 40 minutes about various other projects, blah-blah-blah...and I sat there like an eight-year-old boy." Finally, she asked Mitchell what he wanted to do next – and with characteristic wit, he replied: "I'd like to do series five of That Mitchell and Webb Look, please."

And finally, in a bizarre spat between two Have I Got News For You regulars, Ian Hislop's claim that fellow panelist Paul Merton was miffed about people attending Oxford University has been clarified. According to sources close to the show, Merton was indeed irked – but not because he minds them going to university at all: "I don't mind them going," he quipped wryly. "It's when they leave."

This article was first published on thescholarlynote.com.