Joshua Goldman
Joshua Goldman
min read · July 5, 2025 · Entertainment

Katy Perry's New Dating Adventure: Navigating the Wild World of Modern Romance

Let’s pause and take a moment to grieve the couple who no one saw coming but weirdly made sense. She was glitter and chaos. He was spiritual and serious.

Katy Perry's Re-Entry into the Dating World: A Guide for the Clueless

It's official, folks! Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are no more. The pop princess and her elf prince have finally called it quits after a nine-year rollercoaster ride that included a six-year engagement and the birth of their adorable daughter, Daisy.

But don't get too misty-eyed just yet, because it's time for Katy to re-enter the dating world, and honey, it's about to get REAL. The single life is waiting for her, with all its twists, turns, and Tinder-induced trauma. So, grab your popcorn, pour yourself a glass of wine, and let's dive into the wild world of modern dating.

Prepare to match with someone you think is hot, have a mildly flirty chat, then never hear from him again. It’s not ghosting anymore, it’s just standard.

1. Dating Apps: Where Dreams Go to Die

Remember when dating apps were all the rage? Yeah, those days are long gone. Now, they're a graveyard of half-naked men holding fish, finance bros who claim to "split time between LA and Miami," and your ex from 2011 who still thinks emojis are a personality trait.

Raya is overrun by C-list DJs, Hinge is basically LinkedIn with a side of thirst traps, and Tinder? Well, let's just say it's for people who've given up on love or just want to get laid. Prepare yourself for the thrill of matching with someone you think is hot, only to have them ghost you after a few mildly flirty chats.

Pictures of Orlando nude paddle boarding in Sardinia, Italy went viral in 2016 and saw him nicknamed, ‘The Tripod’

2. The Rise of Emotionally Unavailable Men

You'll meet men who claim to be "emotionally intelligent" but can't name one of your friends or explain why they didn't text you back for four days. They'll trauma bond with you over three mezcal cocktails and sleep in your bed all weekend, leaving you wondering if you're exclusive or just a casual hookup.

Newsflash: emotionally unavailable is no longer a red flag; it's a dating archetype! You'll cry, you'll rally, and you'll kick yourself for going back for more. But hey, at least they're consistent, right?

Katy, pictured on board Jeff Bezos' all-female Blue Orbit suborbital flight in April, may have been to space, but she's going to have to brace yourself for this re-entry.

3. Situationships are the New Relationship

A situationship is when you do everything a couple does – brunch, sleepovers, emotional support, sex – but without the commitment. It's like being in a relationship, minus the words "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." You'll spend two months wondering if you're exclusive, only to discover they've been talking to someone else.

Spoiler alert: there are no pages; he just never bought the book. Situationships are in; relationships are rare. Good luck figuring out what that means for your love life!

4. The Psychological War of Attrition

You'll download the apps, delete them, and re-download them three Proseccos later. You'll stalk your ex's new girlfriend (who probably has dead eyes) and convince yourself you're not crazy for re-watching your own Instagram Story 12 times to see if he viewed it.

Welcome to the psychological war of attrition that is modern dating! It's a battle of wills, with Tinder as your battleground. May the odds be ever in your favor!

5. The Best Dates Will Be the Ones Where Nothing Happens

A man who shows up on time, asks questions without checking his phone, and pays the bill without announcing it? He's like a unicorn! Yeah, Katy, the bar is that low.

In 2025, "bare minimum guy" is the new dating benchmark. So, if you find yourself thinking, "OMG, he's so nice," don't get too excited; it's probably just his functioning adult-ness shining through.

6. Dating in Your Late 30s and 40s: Where Experience Trumps Youth

The pool may be smaller, but the good ones are often married, traumatized, or "working on themselves." But you, my friend, have power! You're not pretending to like EDM or picking your way around a messy roommate's space.

You know your worth, you've got your own money, and if the date sucks, you leave. In heels. With dignity. So go ahead, Katy, rock that single life!

7. There's No Shame in Being a Cougar

Leo does it; Clooney did it; no one blinks! If a hot 29-year-old with a podcast and a six-pack asks to buy you a drink? Girl, let him. Teach him a thing or two, and earn those bonus points when he calls you "intimidating." That's code for iconic!

So there you have it, Katy Perry – welcome back to the dating world! It's a minefield out here, but don't worry; there will be wild flirtations, laugh-til-you-snort dinners, and the kind of sexual renaissance that makes you wonder what you were doing in your 20s.

Just remember: if he's not obsessed with you, block him and move on. You're Katy freakin' Perry!